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January 2009 
Anger and Empathy- more related than I thought!
Posted on Aug 22nd, 2006
by 
Allison
Allison
I love "break-throughs" those moments where the light bulb turns on and you feel like you have just uncovered the world's biggest secret. In reality tons of people coming before you have shared the very same thought, but until you uncover it and see it for yourself, it does not have much meaning or impact.
Today was a time for one of those very break-throughs for me.
It suddenly hit me today as I was reflecting on a quote from Ruiz's the Four Agreements. It was from the second agreement that states that you should not take anything personally.
Here is the quote:
But it is not what I am saying that is hurting you; it is that you have wounds that I touch by what I have said... Your point of view is something personal to you. It is no one's truth but yours. Then, if you get mad at me, I know you are dealing with yourself. I am the excuse for you to get mad. And you get mad because you are afraid, because you are dealing with fear. If you are not afraid, there is no way you will hate me. If you are not afraid, there is no way you will be jealous or sad.
It all of a sudden struck me. Awareness is the very small difference between anger and empathy. I agree so much with this quote and so often when we are angry or hurt by someone else, it is not that what they are saying or doing is actually hurting us, but it is just triggering, or touching upon a wound that we have, but are not consciously aware of in that moment.
When we come across someone in a situation of pain, or agony, and can recognize the connection between our pain and theirs that is when we feel empathy.
I have often questioned why i am not more empathetic. How come i cannot continue to operate out of the mentality that we are all connected in our pain? How come i still get angry, or frustrated when deep down I know that the way that person is acting, tells me much more about their pain and suffering, that it does about me.
I think the reason we still get caught up and angered, or hurt ourselves, is because we don't know ourselves well enough, so in relationships often people will inadvertently hit our wounds, or pains, and most often these are wounds that are so repressed, or deep, that we do not even recognize them as our own.
It is in these times that we feel fear, defensive, and angry, rather than being filled with empathy and compassion for the person who is suffering along the journey of life with us.
I would love any feedback or dialogue on this topic, as I am eager to discuss this idea.
Today was a time for one of those very break-throughs for me.
It suddenly hit me today as I was reflecting on a quote from Ruiz's the Four Agreements. It was from the second agreement that states that you should not take anything personally.
Here is the quote:
But it is not what I am saying that is hurting you; it is that you have wounds that I touch by what I have said... Your point of view is something personal to you. It is no one's truth but yours. Then, if you get mad at me, I know you are dealing with yourself. I am the excuse for you to get mad. And you get mad because you are afraid, because you are dealing with fear. If you are not afraid, there is no way you will hate me. If you are not afraid, there is no way you will be jealous or sad.
It all of a sudden struck me. Awareness is the very small difference between anger and empathy. I agree so much with this quote and so often when we are angry or hurt by someone else, it is not that what they are saying or doing is actually hurting us, but it is just triggering, or touching upon a wound that we have, but are not consciously aware of in that moment.
When we come across someone in a situation of pain, or agony, and can recognize the connection between our pain and theirs that is when we feel empathy.
I have often questioned why i am not more empathetic. How come i cannot continue to operate out of the mentality that we are all connected in our pain? How come i still get angry, or frustrated when deep down I know that the way that person is acting, tells me much more about their pain and suffering, that it does about me.
I think the reason we still get caught up and angered, or hurt ourselves, is because we don't know ourselves well enough, so in relationships often people will inadvertently hit our wounds, or pains, and most often these are wounds that are so repressed, or deep, that we do not even recognize them as our own.
It is in these times that we feel fear, defensive, and angry, rather than being filled with empathy and compassion for the person who is suffering along the journey of life with us.
I would love any feedback or dialogue on this topic, as I am eager to discuss this idea.
Access: Public
i totally appreciate this breakthrough, though it may be still be difficult to “hold” this truth in everyday life. :)
for myself, i understand anger to stem from a perceived injustice; “you shouldn't do that”, or “that shouldn't happen”…etc. from a big mind space, there is no such thing as injustice, but in teh relative world there is, of course… i still think, however, that in the relative world there is a way to perceive an injustice and simply feel pity for that person “causing” us to anger; in fact i think pity should be able to go straight to compassion for them and all sentient beings.
Peace be with you and thanks for sharing.
I feel the truth about your statement that we don't know ourselves well enough… and that awareness is the difference.
This is the way I experience it:
Because of our identification with our personality (ego related) we go to great lengths to avoid the pain and fear involved with questioning the self-image that the ego creates. All the stuff that is not consistent with our self-image is buried/repressed; I call it my Dark Side or Bone Yard.
Being in an intimate love relationship stirs up this stuff and yes it is often very difficult to recognize that it you projecting your stuff on the other. (but there are technique's that can help you with this). But the result of bringing awareness to the Dark Side, is the rising of the Individuality (soul related)
Once this awareness is present, I find something else comes to my rescue to fulfill my longing from my soul to connect with the other. I call this something else my Essence. My Essence (soul) that was blocked before, rises up and I become aware of my Individuality qualities like commitment, compassion, passion, self-love, self-honesty, joy etc. When this happens it feels like they rise up from the depths, to aid me on my quest for experiencing unconditional love. What I have learnt is that two things are important when In-quiring into the Dark Side or in-quiring into a quest for experiencing unconditional love. No judgment and no goal. It’s a dance, it not about reaching a destination its about the experiences on the way there.
Thank you for your sharing, it touched me and brought awareness to my own process.