It could be expected that this would be just a longer version of my twitter updates telling of my illusive search for the iPhone.  That would be appropriate as it was just over two hours ago that I learned that for the second day my local (40-minute drive) apple store did not receive a shipment.  So my search continues for at least two more days.

But, enough on The iPhone for tonight… I do not have The iPhone, I do not know when I will get The iPhone, and I am even starting to annoy myself with the incessant wanting mind focusing on The iPhone.

When not thinking of The iPhone, I have been spending a lot of time lately thinking of my search for a spiritual teacher.  As of late I have realized my deep desire for a female spiritual teacher.  So much of my spiritual quest has focused around male teachers and gurus.  I follow traditions established by men, I read books written by men, I practice techniques designed by men, etc.  I realized that I think I was wanting to become an enlightened man (as if just becoming enlightened wouldn’t be a tough enough task I was going to re-gender!)

To clarify a bit of what I mean, I am talking about enlightenment in a pop culture sort of way, not trying to actually confuse with any legit spiritual or religious lineage's definition of enlightenment.  Also, I think my idea of the spiritual quest/perfection or enlightenment was focused primarily around masculine characteristics, hence feeling as though I was trying to become an enlightened man.  I was seeking spiritual practice in order to become steady, grounded, unshakeable.  I think that is truly a good thing, for men and for women, but lately has not been a great fit for me.

So lately I have been wanting a spiritual teacher, a book, anything, that could offer me an alternative, more feminine approach to enlightenment.  I envision this feminine approach fitting in with the part of me that is screaming to dance, to flow, to shine, to evolve, to create, to transform, to emerge…

And tonight as I just caught my reflection in a mirror, it became so clear to me, call in the dogs, stop the search, the answer was right there.  Just flow. Right now. Just be. Just create. Shine, beautiful, shine!

How could there possibly be one way to do what I was seeking?  How could anyone ever possibly show me how?  Here I am seeking something organic, creative, emerging, all by definition new and unique to this moment, to this experience, to me!

Maybe it is different for men.  Maybe the pointing out instructions, and the meditating, and the paths and techniques help lead the way to the grounded, steadiness.  Maybe it is really taught and passed down from one generation to the next.

And just maybe it is different for women.  Maybe this is why we haven’t had lineages, whole faith traditions, and all that solid wisdom to pass down the way men have.  

I heard once (and I hope I get this right) that the egg or at least the cells that became the egg that became you was alive in your grandmother.  If that is true, isn’t it amazing to think of the way the female body passes life and life’s wisdom from one generation to the next. I was  shaped by my grandmother’s life.

Could it be true (and please let me go with my metaphor if my science is off) could it be true that I am holding the cells of my grandchildren within me, right at this very moment?  And if it is true, then of course every cell in my body wants to shine, radiate, create and become.  And no one needs to teach me how, because it is a part of me, at my deepest core.

So rather than keep up the search, just maybe the answers are already within me, and my experiencing will just continue to naturally flow.  Wasn't it Rilke who said we must live the questions first and one day we will live our way into the answers. Maybe one day I will be fortunate enough to hold my grandchild in my arms and I will feel that sense of peace. Or maybe that sense of peace will come through a non-biological path. Or maybe I will always have this urge to shine and radiate.

So tonight, I raise my cup of tea to all of us… to men and to women finding the beautiful balance of doing and being, grounding and radiating, sustaining and evolving, yang and yin, masculine and feminine dancing together for all of eternity…

Look, the trees

are turning

their own bodies

into pillars

of light,

are giving off the rich

fragrance of cinnamon

and fulfillment,

the long tapers

of cattails

are bursting and floating away over

the blue shoulders

of the ponds,

and every pond,

no matter what its

name is, is

nameless now.

Every year

everything

I have ever learned

in my lifetime

leads back to this: the fires

and the black river of loss

whose other side

is salvation,

whose meaning

none of us will ever know.

To live in this world

you must be able

to do three things:

to love what is mortal;

to hold it

against your bones knowing

your own life depends on it;

and, when the time comes to let it go,

to let it go.

I just love this poem, particularly the end.  I am feeling what i would describe as such a strong feminine urge, to hold, nurture, to love, to embrace that which is mortal.

Could it be that this desire to embrace what is mortal could, as this poem seems to suggest, take me to the other side, to salvation -- whatever that does mean, to peace, to bliss...

With every ounce of my being I know the consuming pain that comes with that embrace of the impermanent, the pain is absolutely unavoidable, but with the same intensity i know that I would dry up and die if i did not continue to reach out, to hold, to embrace all that is.

I am here to love, to live with passion, and to hold nothing back, I do not end with me...